EXCLUSIVE TO TGP—
Winston Churchill once said that the U.S. always does the right thing, but only after trying everything else. The Hummer, a vanity vehicle that for years shouted its indifference to the fate of the planet via its insatiable thirst for gas, is now dead, victim of capitalistoid economic calculus and not enlightened public policy. So much for the free market power to regulate itself.
Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes
Douchebags Seek New Way to Compensate for Tiny Penises
DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – General Motors’ decision yesterday to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: America’s assholes.
Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises.
Tracy Klugian, a realtor in Tempe, Arizona, said that he would consider buying a boat with an annoyingly loud sound system, “but it just won’t say ‘asshole’ like a Hummer does.”
Mr. Klugian, whose penis has been described as “very, very small,” also questioned the timing of GM’s decision.
“Right now, the Hummer is the only thing on the road capable of stopping a Toyota,” he said. More here.
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NEWSTIP contributed by Barbara Havlena and Lynne De Maria
Why was “microscopic” (in the original report) changed to “very very small”? The latter seems so watered down in comparison.