By David Michael Green
Regular readers of this column know how much I despise conservatives. But they may not know why.
It’s because they’re such pussies.
Stupid conservatives applauded when that pansy Bush merely invaded Iraq. I say we should’ve instead just gone ahead and incinerated all one billion Muslims on the planet (and then grabbed our oil from underneath their ashes, while we’re there). Why weenie-out and just wreck a single country when you can clobber them all? What’s the point of sitting on five or six thousand nukes if you’re never gonna use them? They’re all terrorists, anyhow.
Likewise, I’m sickened by the whole approach of so-called conservatives to economic issues in this country. Working class people in America make way too much money, and the rich aren’t nearly rich enough. Sure, conservatives have done some good work on this front, such as transferring taxes onto the poor, exporting jobs and crushing unions, but it’s not enough! And I’m sick of everyone talking about slavery like it was such a bad thing. I say let’s have the ninety-nine percent start earning their keep around here. From now on they should have to spend at least one weekend per month ‘volunteering’ on wealthy people’s estates and plantations.
And how about that whole women’s rights thing, eh? I’ll tell you what, for nearly a century now, this country has been drowning under the weight of obscenities like autonomy, equality and freedom for women. Have we absolutely lost our minds?!?! This is completely out of hand.
These women – these people with their va… va… vaginas – they’ve taken over our jobs, and now they want more! Nowadays women can work as much as they want to. Instead of being at home, where we can control them, we’ve let them invade the workplace and do anything they want. Now they’re all over the Supreme Court, the State Department, and a couple of years ago we almost sent one to the White House. She wasn’t even an idiot-babe like Sarah, either.
It’s gettin’ worse too. Far more college students are girls these days than men. In grandpa’s day, there was no reason for the little ladies to have a higher education. You don’t need to study macro economics to figure out home economics, my friend. You don’t need a masters degree in psychology to keep ten or twelve kids properly fed and disciplined. What kind of future are we creating for ourselves arming all these women with ideas, facts and theories? You know they’re only gonna use that knowledge to give us grief.
At least now we’re getting our priorities back in order and we’re finally talking about birth control again. What idiot ever let that situation get so out of hand, anyhow? How can we ever expect to control our women if they can control their own ovaries? Of course they’re out there working and going to school and doing anything they want, just willy-nilly. What would you expect? They aren’t tied to a flock of little squirts anymore. I guess we just forgot the wisdom of our forefathers, that If you keep ‘em more or less constantly pregnant from 16 to 46, you don’t have to worry about them getting all up in your face whenever they want. They’re too damn busy with the kids!
Plus, they’re totally dependent on you as the breadwinner for the family. And you know what having a dependent women means, brother!
The Bible is completely clear on who is supposed to have authority in the household, and who is supposed to submit. We blasphemy God himself if we let the ladies have any power over us, and you know that woman power is what follows directly from birth control.
That’s why I’m so grateful that Rick Santorum and others are finally speaking up on this issue. It’s great that he’s not afraid to come down on birth control, which, as he points out, only encourages people to do what they want with their bodies. Like having sex, just for the fun of it. How sick is that? I appreciate his hard line on abortion, too, like when he recently described pregnancies caused by rape as “a blessing”. Damn straight! I hope that one day maybe he’ll even be brave enough to come out against these ridiculous feminazi anti-rape laws, too. We men have powerful needs, and we shouldn’t have to beg for it!
Even that Liz Trotta gal on Fox News understands this. I appreciate her courage in speaking against the government trying to prevent rape in the military (though it would be even better if she got her husband to speak for her). As she correctly pointed out, women in uniform should “expect” to be raped. Damn right! Serving our country patriotically means servicing our servicemen who bravely protect our freedoms. What is it about this that liberals don’t get? Maybe if they’d actually been in battle, like Bush and Cheney and almost everyone else in that administration, they’d understand.
Speaking of rape and conservatives, by the way, what a great idea the Republicans have in Virginia. Their brand-new law will require any woman seeking an abortion to have her woo-woo penetrated by an ultrasound probe first, for no medical purpose whatsoever. That’ll show those sluts who’s actually in charge of their bodies, won’t it?
That was really something, too, when Republicans in Congress recently held a hearing on Obama’s health care disaster, and how it forces churches to pay for birth control, even though (don’t tell anyone) it actually doesn’t. The freakin’ Democrat crybabies were up to their usual tricks, of course. Big deal if the entire panel of witnesses testifying on women’s health were all men. What exactly is wrong with that?
I have to say, I kinda like the Catholic church these days, too, even if they are Catholics. I used to hate Catholics and Jews, but now it’s pretty much just the Jews. (Though don’t get me wrong, of course: Israel can do no wrong. But that’s different – those are your foreigner Jews, not the regular kind.) I like how the Catholics don’t take any crap from anyone. So what if their priests have been ‘mass’ raping children in the flock they were supposed to be protecting for decades, if not centuries, ya know? The popes and bishops an’ all are like, “Hey, screw you if you can’t take a joke!” So what if the Church hierarchy actively covered it up for all that time? So what if they then used legal tricks like bankruptcies and running out the statute of limitations clock to avoid paying damages to the crybabies they diddled? So what if one of their big muckety-mucks-in-funny-hats-and-robes just took back the apology he made ten years ago for all these assaults? Really, what’s all the whining about? These guys should be admired for policing America’s sexuality so well. Think how out of hand it would all be if they weren’t doing this good work.
Rick Santorum is an especially good role model for the morality this country needs. He and his wife have had eight children, and she’s at home raising seven of them right now. The latest was born when the little missus was 48 years old (cool, eh?), and the little girl has a disease so severe that she was given a ten percent chance of living past age one. She could die any day now, but Papa Rick has nevertheless spent the entire last year driving around Iowa and New Hampshire and such, furthering his political ambitions. I tell ya, this is just the kind of family values we need in the White House today!
And while we’re at it, thanks also to the good Republican folks at the Komen Foundation for standing up against loose women in America and all the damage they do to our culture. I’m glad they yanked their funding for breast exams at Planned Parenthood. You wanna have your abortions, ladies? Fine. Then you can just take care of your own breasts! Or just let us fellas do it for you. We’ll be more than happy to examine them for you, and we’ll do a fine job if it too. Damn straight.
Finally some good people are standing up for the America we all love and remember. An America of high morality, that good old-time religion, and women who knew their place.
It’s about time. Things have been getting way out of hand here in the fourteenth century.
I liked the last one a whole lot better.
DAVID MICHAEL GREEN still teaches pol sci at Hofstra University, New York.
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