Put the Elephant-hunting Trump boys in the Hunger Games

Michael Yaki, Blogger, San Francisco Gate

Wherein the author decries the cowardly actions of two depraved, ignorant and— worst of all—callous fools. But what else could we expect from the offspring of a man who has set new records for egomania and imbecility in the entire pantheon of worthless plutocrats that disgrace this nation?—Eds

Which brings me to the Hunger Games. I am a fan of the books, even if, at the very end (spoiler alert!) I was so depressed that I wanted to throw myself off a ledge (albeit, a very low one). But the central tenent of the Hunger Games, as all Tributes know (another spoiler alert), is that a desperate and corrupt central government — the Capital — uses the Games as a means of enforcing control on a weak and scattered post-apocalypse America. The Tributes are brought to the Capital for training, but they have no idea what weapons, if any, will be afforded them until the Games actually begin — and even then, it is (more spoiler alert!) a luck of the draw as to whether a weapon they want is available and not taken by a competitor. Katniss, the heroine of the stories, is skilled with the bow but (spoiler alert) it takes a lucky break for her to finally get her hands on her chosen weapon.

If the Trump boys and the CEO of GoDaddy.com want to show their real hunting prowess, put them in a Hunger Games scenario. Drop them in the middle of the bush with no weapons readily at hand. Do it at night, when hyenas and lions are most active. Let them find some limited weapons, and then figure out how to use them. After all, the Junior Donald tweeted “I AM A HUNTER.” So hunt. Go kill an animal for meat, and you might find a pack of hyenas and lions surrounding you, attracted by the scent of blood. Sleep in a tree, and a leopard might climb it and use one of you as a midnight snack. Figure out how to get to a water source that doesn’t kill you both with bacteria or a waiting crocodile. And see if you survive a week. (Note how I am being magnanimous as a Gamemaker and not pitting you against other HUNTERS or, worse, each other) And if you are lucky, rather than just donate the bullet-ridden carcass of some unfortunate beast to some starving villagers, why not reward them (especially if they take pity on your plight and help you survive), as the Capital does in the Hunger Games, with a year’s worth of food — not just what they can eat before the heat rots what’s left. Or does that wealth redistribution make me a commie, or worse, a Democrat?

Show the world what a real HUNTER would do without a luxury safari “package” coddling you at every turn. And beam the HD images directly to your loved ones waiting anxiously in their Park Avenue digs. Hell, broadcast it like they do throughout Panem. Your dad may find it profitable to put it on the sportsbook at one of his Atlantic City casinos. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Michael Yaki is an attorney and political consultant with heavy links to the Democratic party, having counseled Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama—sins for which we will suspend penalty on account of his having shown some decency decrying the fate of the elephants. We only wish he used those golden connections to get Obama to do something worthwhile to save some animals instead of just facilitating the neocolonization of Africa by the American imperium.

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