Mike Ingles
(First published on 11/17/02)
My great uncle stopped by today with shocking news! Seems Fox News is reporting that Texas is seceding from the Union? I love my great uncle. He’s an ex-marine, senior citizen, blue-collar guy. Politically, he’s red meat for those manipulators at Fox (“fair and balanced”) News. He went on to say that a couple of other states are going to pull out too. That bit of news was courtesy of the guys at the VFW.
There is no dissuading him about these ironclad revelations made by Hannity and O’Reilly et. al. So, I don’t try. I simply nod and smile. He always leaves happily, knowing that he’s helped to spread the Gospel according to Rush. I can’t wait until tomorrow, he always stops by for coffee before Wednesday’s church, and the information gleaned from the VFW and Fox News on Tuesday night is usually delicious because there’s no football on television.
Once, about a year ago, he told me that Obama was a Muslim. Heard it on Fox. When I tried to explain that this was just political ramblings and that Trump and the rest of those crazies were just trying to create doubt; he became sullen and quiet, didn’t come back for over a week.
When he returned, I told him that Trump was going to spend five million bucks to track down those criminals who forged the president’s birth certificate to make it look like he was one of us. He’s happy again, and so am I. Sometimes politics isn’t worth fighting for. Sometimes, you gotta pick your battles and realize that converts are not going to come easily.
There is this younger guy who, like my uncle, is a disciple of Fox News, and he’s been trying to persuade me that Obama is taking away our freedoms. Heard it on Hannity. Seems Hobby Lobby and the Christian churches are under fire. When I told him that I couldn’t think of one freedom that President Obama had taken away and doubted that he could come up with one. He became belligerent, started calling me names—cupcake, Walter Mondale, Nancy—said I was soft and off my rocker. When I tried to explain that it was President Bush who had taken our liberties—Bush Doctrine, Habeas Corpus, telephone privacy in the name of national security—he became sullen and quiet, I was hoping he wouldn’t come back for a week.
No such luck.
Like my uncle, it is impossible to reason with him. So, it is best to humor him. He likes to read my op eds; this is for him: I’m a Socialist. I believe in Christ and e.e. cummings—both dead. I don’t think it’s right that some letters should be capitals and some must be lower case. I think there are giant squids that live inside of all brick walls and they have a kind of radar and can read your mind; the government feeds them Coca-Cola and lemon drops. When we die, we meet God. Unless He’s out of the office that day. I think people who hunt should be hunted. And I have never forgotten this single quote “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did also for me.”
I’m not real popular at the VFW. But I’m going to fix that…
That damned damned coon is taking away our civil rights. The squid told me so…
I’m going back to bed. Read my bible.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike Ingles is a freelance writer living in Ohio. He has a degree in American Literature from Franklin University, Columbus, Ohio. duckrun2@aol.com
