Me and Wayne

MIKE INGLES

Wayne LaPiere and I agree. If we are going to help protect those ancient 2nd Amendment rights, we need to ensure that guns will always be at liberty to be purchased, and, in keeping with fundamental conservative principals, which we both feel strongly about, gun owners should be a pay-as-you-go system and let the free market determine who will buy weapons and what types of guns will be sold. If you’ve just made a big dope deal and have plenty of excess cash around to buy your buoys some new auto gats. It’s a win win; good for your biz and good for the economy.

Me and Milton Friedman have been saying this stuff since the 70’s.

Forget about passing laws that limit our freedom to kill each other; that sacred cow is already out of the barn brandishing an AK47. Wayne and me know that there are 300,000,000 guns out there protecting the us from the them. Wayne and me know that those that have, will be the killers and those that don’t—will be the killees.

It’s just another commodity to be treated equitably. Take cars for instance; some folks just want a plain old Chevy 4-door and some people want a Dodge Durango. The market will determine how many cars and guns and what types are distributed in America.

Of course, there are certain social costs associated with both cars and guns. You got a car—you need a public highway. You got folks running stop signs and running into one another—you need insurance. So, in this free society, if you want to drive a Chevy 4-door, you are taxed at a lower cost than the guy in the Durango. Same with insurance; Allstate will charge you less for the Chevy.

Me and Wayne, being free-market types, figure there are certain societal costs that go along with responsible gun ownership too. You got mass-murder of children, there are all those funeral costs—you got kids killing kids in high schools—you need armed guards at every exit in the schoolhouse. You got crazy folks killing kids on lush, beautiful, college campuses—you got costs associated with society losing the earning power of the best and brightest.

Me and Wayne aren’t economist, so perhaps Paul Krugman could give us some advice. Maybe me and Wayne and Paul, being free-market advocates who understand how costs must be shared in a free and open society, will advance tax laws on folks who like to hunt and target shoot and kill babies so they can pay their fair share. Let’s see, I’m guessing that guns costs society maybe 300 billion a year. Let’s do the math: 300 b / 300 m = about a grand for each weapon each year. So, let’s say you got three guns in the closet—send another 3 grand to Uncle Sam each year (there will be no deductions) don’t forget to sign your return.

But Wait! These guns need to be insured, just like cars, there is a liability involved. Now let us see: how much is a six-year-old’s life worth in the open market? I hate these kinds of actuarial challenges. Let’s make it simple and say a billion a kid; 750 million for a high schooler; 700 million for college kids with C averages, 2.1 million for A students; 500 million for mall shoppers, theater goers and shooting range aficionados. Now, with simple multiplication we can recoup the cost of guns on society. Perfect. We can bring on the liberals and the cops and the conservatives and the Amish Mafia and agree in principal—principal is very important to conservatives. So, a grand in new taxes to pay for the funerals and stuff and another grand a year in Allstate, the good-hands people, let’s see—2 grand per shotgun and 3 grand per automatic and semi-automatic guns should just about cover it.

In addition, that automatic weapon you want to buy will cost you an additional 100 grand a year in excise costs. I know, I know, it isn’t fair, by doing this only the wealthy will have automatic guns. True.

But Wayne and me have done the research; you know how many rich people shot up a theater last year?

None.

And, since they got all the money in America anyway, why not give them access to the only mass-killing weapons. After all, they are the only ones acting responsibly; pretty soon, roaming hoards of hungry people will be banging on their estate gates. This will give them perfect target practice, moving targets are hard to hit. Ask any deer hunter and he will tell you that you need 20 in the clip to get a male buck.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike Ingles and Wayne hang out in central Ohio where we piss in the weeds.