Saga of a Dropout Doper

By William T. Hathaway

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At the age of 15 I decided I was going to be a writer. I loved books, and writing them seemed to be the greatest thing in the world to do. Now after eight books it still does. 

But at first I had a terrible time writing. My thoughts were all jumbled up. I couldn’t concentrate. I did poorly in school because I couldn’t hold my mind on the assignments. I was too caught up in my psychological stress and subconscious conflicts to be able to really write or study.

I started smoking marijuana, thinking I could blast my way through all my blocks with that. But it made them worse. When I was high I thought I was being very creative, but the next day when I read what I’d written, it was drivel. Eventually I flunked out of the University of Colorado, but I figured who needs college — I want to be a bohemian artist. So I moved to the Lower East Side of Manhattan and wrote, painted, and drummed, but mostly got high. New York had many more kinds of dope than Boulder, and I tried them all, hoping for that creative breakthrough. But finally I realized I needed to get out of that whole scene if I ever wanted to do any good writing.

The war on Vietnam was just beginning, and the military draft was after me. I’d been reading a lot of writers whose first books were war novels, so I figured I would make a 180-degree change from my current scene. I joined the Special Forces to write a war novel. I was probably high when I got this idea, because it wasn’t a very good idea. During our search and destroy operations in Vietnam, I kept telling myself, “I’m just here gathering material for a novel.” But our deeds have consequences that affect us and others regardless of why we do them. I’m still dealing with the repercussions from my involvement, and writing and peace activism have become my way of atoning for that. 

I got back from the war in 1967 and moved to Marin County north of San Francisco to write the book. But by then all sorts of new fun dope was around, and I found myself slipping back into that scene. I was also suffering from PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, which gave me combat flashbacks and self-destructive depressions. The result was I still couldn’t write. 

My best friend from Special Forces, Keith Parker, had started doing Transcendental Meditation and said it made his mind clear and calm. I tried it and found he was right. When I meditated, I sat with eyes closed and thought a mantra, a sound without meaning that took my mind to quieter, finer levels and eventually beyond all mental activity to deep silence. Subjectively, TM was like diving down through an inner ocean into a realm of serenity. Objectively, it is a physiological state of deep rest that enables the nervous system to repair itself and heal stresses that are blocking it. In this expanded consciousness I could access my subconscious mind and resolve my psychological conflicts. They weren’t trapping my mental energy anymore. The war was in the past, not raging now in my head. My internal pressure began to be relieved. I didn’t need to get high. I was in touch with my creativity. I could concentrate and follow a line of thought. And most of all I could write.

I made good progress on the novel, and a sample of it got me accepted into the creative writing program at Columbia University. I went back to college and back to New York, but this time I made the Dean’s List and no drugs. The novel, A World of Hurt, won a Rinehart Foundation Award.

I later wrote a novel about the current war. Summer Snow is set now as an American soldier falls in love with a woman in Central Asia who has him initiated into Transcendental Meditation. Through meditating he learns that higher consciousness is more effective than violence, but his new insights put him into conflict with his military mentality. Here are two two short selections from the book:

Djamila (his TM teacher) asked him to sit in a chair next to her while she stood in front of a picture of a white-bearded man in an orange robe. “This is Brahmananda, Maharishi’s teacher, who gave us this meditation. Now we will thank him for the knowledge.” She began singing in a high little voice in a language he didn’t recognize. She dipped a flower into a bowl of water and waved it around, spraying water here and there, then laid the fruit, flowers, and cloth in front of the picture. While she sang, a calm settled over him, and his face relaxed as tension dissolved. When she finished, Djamila knelt in front of the picture and whispered a sound very softly, as if to herself, then gradually louder until he could hear it clearly.

She turned to him and said, “Say it with me.” 

They repeated it together, then she said, “Now close the eyes and think it silently.” 

He could see the word floating through his mind in curlicues — a Möbius strip turning into an infinity sign. It resonated through him, first with his heartbeat then with his breath, quieting them. His whole body relaxed, and he felt he was sinking deep into the chair, into the earth even, not sitting but floating. His thoughts started to space out, with gaps of silence between them. The silence grew into a delightful emptiness. At the center of it pulsed the mantra, a blend of sound and light. It grew fainter, finer, then disappeared like a bird wing-waving away, leaving his mind alert but without content, aware but not of any thing.

Then he heard noises from outside: a horse snorted and stamped its hoof, a cow mooed. Distracted, he drifted onto thoughts of Wyoming, the ranch in Sheridan where his father had worked, saw faded photos of his dad. His breath and heartbeat increased, sadness wafted over him.

No … don’t get trapped in all that again. He brought his mind back to the mantra, which mixed with the other thoughts and eased them away. The calmness returned.

He inhaled lightly, tendrils of air curling into a vast space behind his closed eyes. As the sound continued, his mind became a darkness full of light, an emptiness that seemed to contain everything. Happiness welled up within him and he laughed.

The laughter brought him out of it, back to his body sitting in a chair. He opened his eyes; the room glowed.

I want to go back.

“Close the eyes and continue,” said Djamila.

The sound now stretched out into a slow drone, then seemed to fold in on itself and turn inside out. He had a moment of deep silence, a plunging dive into rich, full nothingness, then thoughts rushed in and pulled him away. 

Here’s a section from later in the novel as he’s meditating in a dangerous situation with a group of peace activists:

As evening turned to night, the wind faded away, leaving the air still and crisp with a tang of pine resin. A wafer of moon, cool as a mint on the roof of his mouth, swam through wisps of clouds.

As Jeff thought his mantra, his breath slowed and his heart stopped pounding. He didn’t realized it was pounding until it quieted. He shivered in his parka and blanket until he relaxed enough to accept the cold without resisting it. As he opened up to the chill, it ceased to bother him. It was just another physical sensation, and all those were superficial compared to this great empty peace. A few thoughts drifted by, butterflies on the breeze, but the spans of silence grew longer. Somehow the emptiness was lively, full of an energy that was his deepest self. It was not only his self but it linked him to the others, all of them together in a wholeness that was greater than their surface separation.

As the hours passed and their minds joined deeper, Jeff could sense this same underlying dimension in the atmosphere around them. The air had a quality, a flowing plasma that vibrated with their mental impulses. It must always be there, but now he was aware of it. His skin seemed more permeable, his body less dense, interpenetrated with the outside. He could feel his mind pulsating slow and strong in rhythm with the others, all of them mutually reinforcing. Then their brain waves merged and seemed to rise and spread out, covering and shielding them. Within this dome was total peace, everything was all right, nothing to fear. We can only be afraid of something different, and here everything became the same — multiplicity blended into the oneness of the unified field. He was part of an energy flowing in all directions, unbounded, without differences, one ocean of consciousness. It was alive, it was divine, it washed him with joy. 

All the while he was sitting against a tree feeling pine needles drop onto his parka hood, his left foot falling asleep from being cross-legged too long, ears throbbing and cuts stinging. He could hear forest noises: burrowings and nibblings of mice; a woman’s yelp of alarm as one scampered over her legs; the tread of deer approaching the thicket then trotting away as they smelled humans; the call of an owl.

These two different channels — separation and unity — were going on simultaneously, and he could shift between them, focusing more on one, then on the other. But they weren’t really separate. The physical channel of the senses emerged from and was cupped within this empty, silent field. The still ocean of awareness was the source of everything.

*

Senior Contributing Editor William T. Hathaways new book, Wellsprings, concerns the environmental crisis: www.cosmicegg-books.com/books/wellsprings. He was a Fulbright professor of creative writing at universities in Germany, where he currently lives.  A selection of his work is available at www.peacewriter.org.




In Search of the “Real America”

By Michael D. Yates

end is near

This past June, I attended the Left Forum at Pace College in Lower Manhattan. I used to love to go to this city. We visited often and moved there twelve years ago, planning to stay for at least five years, while I worked for Monthly Reviewmagazine and Monthly Review Press. We lasted one year, knowing that we had made a mistake. We enjoyed Manhattan, but not enough to compensate for the stresses of daily life.

I went to the conference to help my comrades at Monthly Review Press sell books. It was nice to see acquaintances and meet people I knew only through correspondence. I didn’t attend any of the hundreds of sessions or make a presentation, concentrating instead on promoting our publications and generating much-needed revenue. After the last plenary session, some of us went to dinner and enjoyed interesting conversation. And so, the weekend passed.

This was the fourth time I traveled to New York City since we left in 2002. I anticipate each trip with excitement. I hope that my old love affair with the nation’s greatest metropolis will be rekindled.

But it never is. After years of living on the road, seeing the country up close and personal, hiking thousands of miles in beautiful places, enjoying solitude, Manhattan seems a nightmare. Trash everywhere, noise, traffic, pedestrians cheek by jowl, too much light at night. Precious little green space. The city used to be a center of working class militancy, radical politics, and popular art, literature, and music. But today, it is mainly a haven for the world’s rich, who exploit the (increasingly immigrant) working class that serves them. It seems just a monument to shopping, dining, and deal-making. Everybody is hustling, all day, every day.

Monday morning, I walked north on Broadway toward Penn Station to catch an early train. Thousands of men and women were streaming down the street in the opposite direction, on their way to start a new workweek. They already looked harried, sweating in the humid heat, glued to their smart phones, ear buds in place, eating a quick breakfast on the run, trying not to spill their coffees, never noticing anyone or anything around them. An almost apocalyptic scene, reminding me of something someone once said to me. He chastised me for not understanding that New York City is where the people are, where the action is, “where it’s at.” This was the “Real America.”

I don’t know what the “Real America” is. We do pretty much the same things no matter where we live. Whether we are in Yellowstone National Park, Miami Beach, Portland, we spend our days working, eating, loving, struggling to make some sense of things. And for nearly everyone, everywhere, money rules, we obsess about possessions, most of us are oblivious to our surroundings, worried looks cloud our faces.

Those who live in our megalopolises—especially the wealthy, intellectuals, and those in the arts—think of themselves as more sophisticated, knowledgeable, savvy than those who live outside their bustling confines. They can’t believe that anyone would choose to live elsewhere, and they suggest that if New York City, Chicago, and Los Angeles weren’t superior places, why would so many people live in them.

And, at the same time, people who don’t dwell in cities too often speak as if urban locales are home to an evil species of callous, uncaring beings, and they readily admit that they have no strong desire to visit them. They think of themselves as representatives of the “Real America,” purer in spirit, more appreciative of nature and the small-town virtues of helping your neighbors, family values, patriotism.

What these perspectives—myths might be a better word—miss is that larger, economic, forces are at work with respect to the connections between urban areas and the rest of the country. In capitalist societies, growth and wealth in one place almost always come at the expense of another, with a constantly changing cast of victims. The drive of urban society’s movers and shakers to accumulate capital has generated decisions that have spelled ruin for small and medium-sized towns and rural regions. For example, the forced consolidation of farm land into what journalist Carey McWilliams called “factories in the fields,” doomed once vibrant rural communities, in much the same way as trade agreements have destroyed Mexican towns and villages. In each case, migrants flocked to the cities looking for work, providing urban residents with a large pool of cheap labor. Similarly, urban capitalists shifted production from once prosperous factory towns to other countries, with similar effects. These same entrepreneurs have mined, drilled for oil and gas, and done the military’s dirty work, all of which have made much of the nonurban parts of the United States ugly and inhospitable places to live. What is more, the choices made by urban elites and the public officials that obey their commands, have directly impacted the cities themselves. These have shifted much production away from urban centers, forcing workers to move to the suburbs or remain in hollowed-out ghettos. The hubs of many cities are no longer filled with shops, apartments, and sidewalks alive at night. It is even the case that an entire city will be abandoned if it cannot be any longer made to serve the needs of the powerful. Look at Detroit, once the fourth largest city in the United States.

The end result is that our most important cities are overcrowded, alienating habitats for most of those who live and labor in them but palaces of consumer delights for those with money. And the rest of the nation consists of the lesser cities, with their moribund downtowns and decaying infrastructures; suburbs, with their sameness, shopping malls, green lawns, trim houses, and spiritual deadness; small towns, with no services, inferior food in the grocery stores, poor medical care, and their own brands of environmental destruction; the vast wastelands of what is left of rural America, with factory farming, pesticides choking the air, trailer parks, amphetamine epidemics, and towns where residents so often look worn out and alone. Even the remaining beautiful places have become victims of urban cash. You will never see a full moon or stars as bright and numerous in a city as you will in Moab, Utah or Estes Park, Colorado. Yet, tourism wreaks havoc in both places, and natural gas fracking devastates the landscape.

Rather than the denizens of urban and non-urban places carping at each other, perhaps it is time to radically transform our living spaces. There is no reason why our populations should not be more evenly dispersed geographically. We could begin to reintegrate town and country, with an eye toward making both spaces more livable and self-sustaining, especially in food production and distribution. Smaller cities and larger towns, closely connected to or surrounding green and farming spaces, would be more amenable to democratic control and the production of safe food and water. They would also be more likely to give equal access to those aspects of culture now denied to so many of us: symphonies, art galleries, lectures, good schools. As communal needs changed, we might be better able to alter our spatial configurations; for instance, we could more easily do what will be necessary to avoid or at least ameliorate the environmental calamities we will surely be facing.

Our built spaces are growing ever more out of kilter. They reflect the relentless, unregulated pursuit of profit by capital and the rapidly rising inequality that has been its primary consequence. If present trends continue, U.S. cities will become increasingly unlivable, and our small and mid-size towns will continue to die or, if they manage to prosper, will become our cities writ small, with the same disamenities. The time to reverse these developments is now, before a future worth living becomes a dream that can no longer be realized.

This essay was originally published in counterpunch and is available at http://www.counterpunch.org/2013/11/25/in-search-of-the-real-america/




Cats: Everything is not lost

Companions no matter what.




8 Habits of Intolerant People

AlterNet [1] / By Mark Goulston [2]
comments_image
 intolerance-alter
January 18, 2014  |  

I find it difficult to believe that there still remain so many people who are intolerant of others; like those who are so vehemently against gay marriage even though other people’s intimate relationships do not directly hurt them. It turns out these people share some similar traits. Over my years as a psychotherapist, I have worked with many people who have personality issues. I have observed the following about those who are quick to anger, resentful and begrudging of others.

1. They are often fanatical. They don’t just believe in something deeply, they believe in something narrowly without room for other interpretations. They believe their view is the only view, and that anything even slightly different is wrong and is the enemy. There is a difference between being devout—in which you deeply believe in something—and being fanatic—in which you’re on the attack against those who don’t agree or just see things differently from you.

2. They are usually psychologically rigid. Any other way of looking at things causes them great anxiety, and they will fight with all their will to get others to agree with them. Down deep they are much more concerned with self-preservation and see “different” as a threat to their identity. They view their actions as being in self-defense of what they view as an assault by others with a different POV.

3. They are know-it-alls. They know a lot about a very narrow aspect of life that has possibly provided them with success and they believe it can be applied to everything in life. When challenged they retreat and revisualize how their approach works in that narrow area, and come back at the challenger with even more aggression.

4. They are terrible listeners. Duh! That should be obvious. Rarely do people around them feel listened to, heard, understood or valued for anything that in any way differs from this person’s viewpoint.

5. They often have tension in their relationships. That should come as little surprise, since their having to be in control means they can only be in a relationship with people who obey, agree and are submissive. This often means they have volcanic relationships with their teenage children.

6. They believe you’re either in control or out of control. They are black-and-white thinkers with no room for gray. They will not accept that we are not in control of most areas of our lives. For instance, we have some control over what we say and do and write,but we have little control over how it is heard, seen or read. They frequently come from families that were either highly controlling or chaotic. If their parents were highly controlling, they came to believe that was the only way you can and should live your life, and they have “paid it forward” into their own lives. If their parents and families were chaotic, they vowed that when they grew up, there would be much more order to their lives and they have now gone too far.

7. They can’t leave anything to chance. They have a deep-seated belief that if you leave anything to chance, something awful will happen. Albert Einstein said, “The most important decision you will ever make is whether you live in a safe or a dangerous world.” For whatever reason, these individuals believe they live in a dangerous world which justifies their preemptive aggression and hostility toward others because they believe others are primed to attack them (sound like any foreign policy you know?).

8. They are frequently jealous deep-down. This is the most interesting observation. Being envious means wanting what another person has; being jealous means being angry with the person for having it. I think they feel jealous because they are not particularly happy individuals who are frustrated for believing they are following all the rules, yet they are not at peace. So when they see a couple who is willing to defy so many rules and conventions to find true love and be happy, they are not only envious, but are jealous.

When it comes to anyone else’s intimate relationship, my philosophy, and I hope how I conduct myself, is to live and let love.


Source URL: http://www.alternet.org/culture/8-habits-intolerant-people



A New Chapter in U.S. Interventionism

The American Friend
by CHRIS GILBERT, Counterpunch.org
Thank you, Counterpunch

Alfonso Cano, wiped out by the forces of US imperialism and its military puppets.

Comandante Alfonso Cano, late leader of the FARC, wiped out in a recent operation. 

Caracas.

A recent article in the Washington Post reveals – I believe with a considerable degree of accuracy – some important and terrifying facts about the counter-insurgency tactics employed by the Colombian government as well as the role of the United States as an advisor that actually directs and controls anti-guerrilla operations. Another virtue of the article is that, though uncritical and triumphalist, it nevertheless shows how the political relation between the two countries may, without fear of exaggeration, be dubbed neocolonial.

At the center of the Post’s article is the claim that smart bombs, guided by U.S. satellites, have changed the character of counter-insurgency operations in Colombia. These weapons, supplied by the United States government, have permitted the assassination of at least twenty-four FARC-EP leaders and given the Colombian state a new military advantage in its half-century-long struggle against a popular rebellion. The article also touches upon the question of the feeble (not to say surreal) legal justification of these tactics.

The article’s description of the stages of a smart bomb attack – in which the dropping of a large 500-pound guided bomb is followed by more widespread conventional bombing, strafing, and then helicopter-deployed troops, who often just pick up body parts – coincides with the description given to a friend of mine by a survivor of the attack on FARC comandante Mono Jojoy’s camp in 2010. The only important difference is that the survivor described the attack not only in terms of its technical details but also as “a brutal thing, an inhuman thing.”

In what passes for the public sphere today, appeals to a moral perspective and decrying the depravity of U.S. policies are probably pointless. The horrorized remain silent, while the cynical control public space. Today’s situation recalls the moment at the beginnings of U.S. imperialism when Henry David Thoreau – who said of fellow writers that if they had “lived sincerely it must have been in a distant land from me” – felt that he had no audience for his words and resorted to symbolic acts and cryptic writing.

[pullquote]In what passes for the public sphere today, appeals to a moral perspective and decrying the depravity of U.S. policies are probably pointless. The horrorized remain silent, while the cynical control public space.[/pullquote]

Why does an article revealing secret operations appear in a newspaper with important links to the C.I.A.? The story’s publication should not be taken for granted since making known the overt domination of the Colombian military by its U.S. “advisors” creates a difficult situation for the already beleaguered Santos regime. The reason for leaking this information, I believe, is the difficult conjuncture in the U.S., which makes it important to show its capacity to respond – for example, to punish the FARC’s retention of three U.S. mercenaries in 2003 – and the need to justify N.S.A. spying as “good for something.” The article is also spiced with White-Man’s-Burden details such as the Air Force colonel who says “Just don’t fuck up” to a Colombian pilot before his mission.

Then there is the longstanding project of overcoming the “Vietnam complex” and showing that the United States has the capacity to defeat insurgent movements such as the FARC-EP – something which is not really true. The U.S. and Colombia’s collaborationist regime employ some of the same weapons (e.g. “Puff”: a DC3 equipped with Gatling guns) and they rely mostly on air control as in Southeast Asia. Still, the same problems remain: especially that victory in a civil war is essentially about winning the hearts and minds of the population and also that there is no lasting victory that is not essentially political.

Not too long ago, Vietnamese general Vo Nguyen Giap died a natural death at 102. Giap, it will be remembered, defeated both France and the U.S. That the latter defeat is still sizzling in U.S. consciousness was revealed by the many obituaries in the U.S. press this fall that harped on Giap as someone who irresponsibly “prolonged the war.” Indeed, Giap prolonged the war… and thereby won it! Giap not only lived to see the revolutionary victory but also Vietnam’s reconstruction as a significant economic power. Still, the more famous figure, who is Ho Chi Minh, died before the triumph, as did José Martí in Cuba and a host of other revolutionary leaders in varied contexts.

A recent article by the FARC’s Pablo Catatumbo reminds us that even Chiang Kai-Shek, who did of course collaborate with the U.S., would not give up the command of troops. The Colombian government has taken this recent step. What’s more surprising is that it hardly bothers to hide it.

Chris Gilbert is professor of Political Science at the Universidad Bolivariana de Venezuela.