Leaked email: CIA wants to end Russophobia campaign in favor of Iran war (<<== Fake news!)

Editor's Note: The article below is authored by our pro bono Paris correspondent. It is packaged as a satirical fake news piece, which means it packs more than a grain of truth, let us call it "anticipatory journalism".—PG

(Note: This leaked email has not yet been verified by WikiLeaks)

Date: 2017-07-31

Source: Langley CIA HQ

Classification: SECRET/NOFORN/MLBNLCSWS

S E C R E T

SECTION 08 OF 1,843 WASHINGTON - AC0871108

SUBJECT: CIA Sub-Deputy says anti-Russia campaign detracting from war effort against Iran

CLASSIFICATION APPROVED BY: CLASSIFIED

REASON: 1.4 (a), (g)

Since October 2016 CIA operatives have successfully stepped up operations both around and within Iran.

I can report that Stuxnet 2.0 has been implanted: Iran’s radar and air traffic control will be essentially nullified once hostilities begin.

Trusted handlers have created an effective network to coordinate the neutralization of their speedboat capabilities in the Gulf, meaning our aircraft carriers will encounter little resistance.

CIA operatives inside their rocket program have the self-destruct codes to knock out their satellite capabilities. Iran’s technological advancements in this area remain a commercial threat to Western telecommunications dominance. Our prolonged delay of war prevents us from ending this continued embarrassment.

But maintaining public focus on Russia has indeed been the perfect cover for ramping up our anti-Iran activities.

The public has been lulled to sleep on Iran, and all they need is to be shaken awake.

That brings me to the point of this email:

Everything is clearly in place to finally launch war against Iran, but we risk missing this opportunity due to a refusal to let go of the Russophobia campaign. Therefore, I must insist that we terminate that campaign so that Iran can resume its rightful and historic place as US public enemy number one.

I fear that many at Langley have started to believe their own Russophobic hype, but I remind everyone the anti-Putin campaign was always supposed to be just a cover: We have never been able to swing public opinion in favor of war against Iran, but we correctly reasoned that war with Iran would look much more appealing after months of threats of war with Russia.

However, I wonder if the Russophobia campaign hasn’t metastasized beyond our control?

Worrying signs

I first started to have questions when Langley bathroom graffiti started to lampoon Putin instead of Khamenei. The very few limericks I have recently seen against Khamenei have even misspelled his name.

It’s sloppy, and it indicates a worrying lack of familiarity with what should be our primary target: Iran.

I became more alarmed after our latest weekly briefing with Rachel Maddow of MSNBC. She insists on staying with Russia because they get her better ratings: she says that Iranian women who hate their Revolution but still wear hejabs are "not hot".

Well of course they aren't! What does she think a hejab is for?

But we have destroyed Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya and Syria – how can we leave Iran out of our plans for totally leveling Muslim countries for trying to be Muslim? That’s just plain un-American! Any job worth doing is a job worth doing right!

Let's not break with years of planning just because the Russophobia campaign has succeeded beyond anyone’s imagination.

Frankly, we all know who to pin this screw-up on: Hillary.

Hillary knew it had to be Iran and THEN Russia. Hell, it was her idea! And that's why she legalized those terrorist psychos the MKO, a group which has as much chance of being accepted as leader as Benedict Arnold did after the American Revolution.

But Trump’s victory threw everything off track. This email is to get back to what we’ve done since 1979 – try to implode Iran, as that idiot John Kerry once accidentally admitted in Paris.

(Reporter’s Note: See below for details)

First of all: It's not the CIA's fault Hillary blew the election - we rigged as many vote machines as we could! It's not our fault some hillbilly counties put their money into K-12 education instead of computerized voting machines.

Frankly, I blame Huma Abedin, because Hillary's closest aide needs to get blamed for something, right? How can someone so close to power get left off the hook for everything? Maybe if she spent less time with Hillary, then maybe her husband Anthony Weiner wouldn’t be over-revved and texting naked photos, knowwhutImsayin? Hey FBI! Don’t think Langley has forgotten that’s how you first started searching Clinton’s emails!

I don't want to say I told you so, but we should have made Hillary's BFF a Russian instead of a Saudi: Muslims stick together.

And that is why we are trying to break off Kurdistan immediately. But how is that going to happen when 8 million Iranian Kurds show no sign of revolt?!

Iran has made us look bad much longer than Putin

Let's look at the scoreboard: Since 1979 Iran has been nothing but trouble, but at least Gorby and Yeltsin gave us 15 years of high-quality looting. I mean - y'all have some real short memories: I brought up "Ted Koppel" to some younger operatives and they didn't even know who he was, and the guy was on TV nightly for years thanks to the hostage crisis! The effectiveness of his toupee ruined my shares in that hair implant corporation!

Where's our payback been for the hostage crisis? A few murdered scientists? One paltry downed passenger airliner? Decades of economic strangulation? Not nearly enough! And how can we let Iran get away with Revolution? It's been a terrible precedent!

Let’s forget Hillary and restart at zero: Finally, we have a pro anti-Iran president. Unlike Obama the Muslim. (I guess Indonesia is Shia? Is that why he protected Iran?)

We really lucked out with Trump: He only talked tough on Iran and Cuba during the election campaign, so we caught a major break there. I don't know why Trump has such an aversion to Iran - could be because he's from New York City and the Empire State, could be because he's got major Zionists in his family by marriage, or it could be because one of the last great untapped markets for golf resorts is Iran.

Trump is ready to snap back those snap-back sanctions after every 90-day review and he is just itching for the chance. With such a system in place, how long is the JCPOA going to last, realistically? 180 days? 270? Does anyone really seeing it holding up for years? Our war against Iran is inevitable, so let’s get this war moving, finally!

The Monroe Doctrine set the precedent that the US will not tolerate any interference in our backyard - the Western Hemisphere. Now some of you weren't there, but I for one definitely recall the Bilderberg Group Doctrine: The US will not tolerate any interference in our backyard - the Milky Way.

What I do know for a fact is that the whole Russia thing has been blown out of proportion by the Democrats - what was supposed to be a diversion is now an obsession, but I'll be damned if it's going to cost me Iran!

You should see all the thong bikinis I've got warehoused! But how I can overcharge the Pentagon for these "Freedom Fatigues for the Modern Muslim Woman" and airlift them to Iranian Baluchistan while Khamenei is still in power? I’m sure that Maddow will certainly change her tune once we roll those out!

We should have no problem vilifying Iran to the hipster doofus crowd. “Liberating women” worked fine in Afghanistan and it’ll work in Iran.

More resistant snowflakes need to learn Iran that proved its racism and prejudice during the Hostage Crisis when Khomeini allowed the Blacks and women to go free.

Iran is clearly anti-White and misandrist! Especially for a country of Sand Honkys run by male priests!

But I think one of those two accusations will work with the snowflakes, who are not noted for their intellectual rigor.

Let’s cool it with Russia and laser-heat up Iran 

What gets me to sleep at night is that I am certain that cooler heads will prevail and that nuclear war against Iran is around the corner. It's a thought which would comfort anybody in our great nation.

And before I get hung up on charges of treason, let me state for the record: Russia will be next, of course.

But Rome wasn't built in a day and they didn't just take over Egypt without first subduing Carthage. I think...I’m not really sure. My fundamentalist Christian school education was a long time ago and, frankly, these new war video games take up a lot of my time these days. They really do simulate the real thing, according to what I’ve read! 

Do you see how bored I am thanks to the lack of focus on Iran? And almost none of you visit the Covert Iran War Wing of Langley anymore - you think I don’t want to go lunch with you guys?

Well, I don't want to get addicted to video games and waste my life away - that's what my son is for, and we can't have two in the family.

Let’s get real: Everyone knows our military is outclassed by Russian technology. Heck, when's the last time we even won a war?

And because we can’t win anymore, breaking up countries is now our thing. We can’t conquer, but we sure are great dividers!

But here’s what those carried away by the Russophobia campaign forget:  We already divvied up the USSR! I can’t believe we are going back to this well so soon! One day soon the bottom of that bucket is going to drop out, and the hell to pay will be worse than China calling in their loans.

Let's take on those fake Islamic Socialists in Iran, finally, as a tune-up. Then we can go mop up Russia before the big showdown – China.

And then after that: those aliens we don’t tell anyone about. Early analysis of their culture reveals dangerously threatening levels of socialist-type thought. 

They won’t be laughing at Trump’s “Milky Way Doctrine” once we go public with that, I can assure you!

Yours sincerely and Bilderberg Forever,

CIA Sub-Deputy of Transnational Transitioning

Frederick Q. Snooperwicz

*******

Reporter’s note:

This was indeed a surprising leaked email, on many levels. I can’t reveal my source, of course, but I do sincerely hope that WikiLeaks works overtime to confirm it as soon as possible.

However, I can confirm that US Secretary of State John Kerry did accidentally admit in Paris that he was trying to “implode Iran”.  He says it right here in my 2013 Press TV report at the 0:58 mark.

What is amazing is how very quickly he corrected himself after that momentary slip-up. He’s a real professional - you have to give him that.

Even though I caught his mistake, while other more “professional” media organizations did not, my story was almost totally ignored back then. I hope this leaked CIA email scoop affords a new opportunity for people to realize what is the true agenda of the US towards Iran.

Frankly, it took a lot of surfing to find a workable link to that report – it has almost been scrubbed clean from the internet, as have years of reports of mine for Press TV. Many leftist websites have reported the same thing this year, most recently the superb news website the World Socialist Web Site. It seems like this would be a major story for us all to discuss but, alas, we have been quite focused on Russia and, soon it seems, Iran.