[dropcap]T[/dropcap]here I was, back on the “Job Creators Red-Eye” from Silicon Valley to New York City, reading The New York Times. I was reading it the way God intended - in an actual newspaper.
But when I logged onto my computer, I noticed The Times has a new feature: they now are writing footnotes to articles, putting them on the right side of the screen in a red font.
This funny interview with the comedian Ricky Gervais featured 11 such “sidenotes”, as I guess they should be called. Here’s an example from that article about comedy: “4 - Trans-exclusionary radical feminist.”
These sidenotes are clearly intended as a way to give the reader extra but broadly important information. I am waiting for the introduction of “sub-sidenotes” - in order to find out what “trans-exclusionary” means.
But what about those of us who read actual, crinkling, wrinkling, staining newspapers? Think of all this great information we are being trans-excluded from?
So, as a service to old-fashioned readers I am including some of these sidenotes we have missed. These are all taken from the March 22, 2019, newspaper.
This was the lede paragraph on the top story, so that's a good place to start.
President Trump declared on Thursday that the United States should recognize Israel’s authority over the long disputed Golan Heights, delivering a valuable election-eve gift to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu but jettisoning decades of American policy in the Middle East.
Sidenote: The New York Times, like all good American journalists, follows the ‘inverted pyramid style' of news writing, in which the most important fact comes first, with lesser facts following in order of importance. This is why the impact of this historic decision first deals with Israel and their elections, and strictly US concerns second.
Interesting to see how the sausage is made, no? I guess it's really "Israel's paper of record", then? I’m all for giving Golan Heights to the Israelis - fundamentalist Christianity won’t be proven correct until the Jews retake Israel.
Here’s an interesting sidetone from a below-the-fold front page article. This article focused on the one man who controls many of the dams on the Missouri River. America runs on great-man capitalism, as America should, and so the article does not raise the idea of democratically broadening his unilateral decision-making power over millions. However it does include a single quote from Faith Spotted Eagle, a 70-year-old tribal elder and activist from the Yankton Sioux Reservation in South Dakota, who even remembers being kicked off her land to make room for a dam many decades ago. To sum up both experiences, she said:
‘It’s all loss, loss, loss,' she said.
Sidenote - The Times is aware that Americans are tired of hearing Native Americans complain, but The Times is just reporting the facts, and now in an inclusionary manner in keeping with diversity in order to overturn pernicious stereotypes.
They went all that way just to get that one, single quote from her, but that's the PC liberal media for you. Because Indians in the US are best seen and not heard, The New York Times made sure to include two photos of the old Indian: in the first she is literally hugging a tree - typical pagan Indian behavior. Trees know loss, loss, loss, too - it’s called "autumn"! Move on!
I'm glad The Times quickly left yet another ever-wailing aboriginal behind in order to devote a full section to the plight of the endangered plover. Apparently that's a bird. Imagine if “Sioux” was also the name of an endangered bird… we’d want more column inches to protect the “Sioux”, but not the “Sioux”? Environmentalism is complicated….
I thought this was in interesting factoid at the end of their Editorial Board's daily column, which penned their thoughts on the New Zealand mosque massacre: America Deserves a Leader as Good as Jacinda Ardern.
Sidenote - We apologize to our readers who eagerly read this column expecting that it would quickly segue into Trump-bashing. After 854 consecutive columns of arduously reframing every news item into anti-Trump discourse, we decided to try something new. It will not happen again.
I should hope not!
Vote Biden! Like all old Democrats who fear change, young people and ever losing control.
That's what all us 1%ers said at the most recent Bilderburg Meeting. You certainly can't trust any of these new, young Democrats. Those whippersnappers need to realize that America has not changed, and that it will not change... not if Biden gets elected. From, Joe Biden Weighing Unique Steps to Reassure Voters Concerned About His Age.
Also under discussion is a possible pledge to serve only one term and framing Mr. Biden’s 2020 campaign as a one-time rescue mission for a beleaguered country, according to multiple party officials.
Sidenote: The Times does not believe that a 4-year Biden presidency - which is totally unprecedented - would resemble Abdelaziz Bouteflika's 4th term in Algeria, nor Ronald Reagan’s 2nd term. Instead, it would most resemble another president who is also not burdened by re-election concerns: Emmanuel Macron, whose ‘rescue mission’ is to save France from Frenchness. Biden is from Delaware, which is unfairly called America's tax haven. The Times believes that Biden could legalize extreme tax evasion - even more than he already has - in just four years, rendering a second term unnecessary. The Times will be granting excessively positive coverage of the Biden campaign.
Being rich, I don't have a problem with paying for drugs - I have problem doing too many drugs. My kids too, or so I have been told. Frankly, I think this editorial headline is clickbait-y and impertinent, and Americans should stop being so ungrateful because this is the greatest nation in the history of man. From: Why Should Americans Be Grateful for $137 Insulin? Germans Get It for $55.
Part of insulin’s price rise in the United States is because of the middlemen who buy the drugs on behalf of insurers and hospitals and negotiate discounts off the list price for their clients. So Lilly often doesn’t make the full $275 a vial (though, since rebates are secret, we don’t know how much less).
Sidenote: Middlemen - contrary to universal and historical belief - do not needlessly inflate prices. The fact that these “discounts” are absolutely not passed on the consumer, but are instead swallowed up by their huge markups and profiteering was not a fact our editors deemed worthy to relate. The larger point The Times wants to make is: pharmaceutical companies are not making as very, very, very much as you think, thanks to the precious middlemen who fight so hard for your economic rights - please stop pressuring either of them to lower pharmaceutical prices.
I like to see what the average person is thinking, so I always check the Letters to The Editor page.
Headline: Eating Eggs, Without Fear
A reader says they have been a part of her diet for more than 30 years.
Sidenote: Nobody fears eggs, but we’d like people to start. The Times believes that if Americans are not constantly fearing terrorism, urban violence and the economic catastrophe caused by a dip in the stock market, then they would demand more serious journalism. This would also reduce our profit margins. But, due to the journalism practice of fair balance, we have printed this letter from a reader who claims to have resented our egg-mongering campaign. This campaign will continue, and we are tracking this reader closely to broadcast her looming egg-related demise following three decades of societally irresponsible egg-abuse.
At this point in my paper I held my nose and went back to the coach section to talk to my colleague, Fazlollah. This guy is one of those new types of immigrants who won’t change his name and assimilate properly. Not only is he never going to get ahead in America with a scary name like that, but he deserves his lowly status for making people in First Class feel foolish about being unwilling to learn how to pronounce his name halfway properly.
“Have you seen these new side note-things Lefty?” I call him that because it’s easier that Foozlollillah.
“Yes, I have,” he said. “Makes the newspaper seem more academic. Like how new political books are seemingly 1/3rd footnotes nowadays. This seems like daily hack journalists trying to smarten up their appearance, and with information which wasn’t even considered useful enough to be in the actual article. This attempted smartening seems rather in keeping with the push towards ‘rule by technocrats’ in the West… but journalists aren’t supposed to be technocrats.”
I immediately regretted talking to Lefty, because I didn’t realize that my pills hadn’t kicked in yet.
“Lefty, they’re just sidenotes. Why don’t you take it easy for a change?”
I went back to my paper.
The Times doesn’t mind if celebrities get involved in certain causes - gay rights, the endangered plover, propping up the Democratic Party - but they quite correctly draw the line at any sort of economic cause. From a story which concerns applying New York’s minimum wage to tipped workers, which would make waitresses less vulnerable to sexual harassment, titled, Amy Schumer, Amy Poehler and Other Stars Stand Up for Waitresses. The Response: No, Thanks.
But it has also created an unexpected divide: Waitresses and other servers are resisting the proposal, saying they can make more money from tips and do not need celebrities to help protect them from harassment. Harassment is a real concern, they say, but so is the need to earn a living.
Sidenote: The Times found many waitresses whose need to make a living is so dire that they will let you goose their behind if it guarantees a tip increase of at least 5%, but that is as far as many were willing to go, stating that they were waitresses and not prostitutes. The Times believes this is yet another case of workers being too demanding of bosses. It is the considered opinion of the Editorial Board that unequal wages and sexual harassment is not a problem for women in the low-wage restaurant industry. However, we encourage the reader to keep following our relentless and progressive coverage of the fight against unequal wages and sexual harassment for women in Hollywood’s elite.
The last thing our 1% deserves, when we are relaxing from creating jobs with a fine meal, is to deal with waitresses who won’t kiss our behinds for tip money, nor let us goose their behinds. What is this, Iran?! Giving waitresses economic security would turn them into rude French waiters, who have greater economic security than their American counterparts, and this is why Macron needs to hurry up and finish turning France into the US, UK and Germany before he gets lynched by the Yellow Vests.
These new sidenotes seem like a good thing, but maybe The New York Times is revealing a bit too much? Who knew they were pro-goosing?
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