Let’s lock in 3.5 more years of Russophobia to honor Brzezinski

There I was again, flying first class on my shareholders’ dime from New York to San Francisco, when I was deeply saddened to read about the death of Zbigniew Brzezinski, National Security Adviser to Jimmy Carter.

Brzezinski: an unreconstructed reactionary to the bitter end.

For a moment I thought: “Surely I can find some anti-Putin articles to read rather than this one?” Those always make me so happy!

But then I remembered that Zbig was a man after my own heart, because he was one of the West’s greatest Russophobes. Even The New York Times talked of his “rigid hatred of the Soviet Union”.

Zbig ended the détente led by Nixon as Carter, not Reagan, restarted good, old-fashioned, American Russophobia: Selling the Soviets computers with bugs for industrial sabotage, the propaganda effort of the 1980 Olympic Boycott, the US grain embargo to try and starve the Russian people, the arming of the Taliban’s forerunners to destabilize a left-wing government in Afghanistan and thus unleashing Islamic terrorism on the world, etc.

Just as American Democrats know for an undeniable fact that Jimmy Carter is our nation’s greatest living man of peace, I contend that Zbig’s anti-Russian stance makes him nearly as great a humanitarian, and certainly a model Democrat in 2017.

And Zbig knew, as I and all good Democrats know, that the greatest fight of our generation is the fight against Vladimir Putin. Poverty, starvation, refugees, terrorism, climate change – everyone in America is realizing that if we can just get rid of Putin, everything else will surely fall into line. Surely!

So I was pretty sad to read of Zbig’s passing, but that’s when it hit me: Just because he’s gone, it doesn’t mean we have to give up hating Russia! We’ve been hating Russia since November – more than 6 months now – and, frankly…it feels awesome! I don’t how long it takes to make a habit permanent, so let’s all agree to lock this in this Russophobia for at least 3.5 more years, possibly 7.5!

It would be a fitting testament to a man whose prophetic Russophobia was misunderstood as “anti-communism”.

Say it loud: It’s time for progressive Americans to unite behind hating Russians! Again!

Let’s party like it’s 1979!

Russophobia isn’t actually racism – it proves your patriotism

Now, I’m as politically-correct a CEO as was ever made - my allegiance to Hillary proves that - but I can tell that some people think that I should equivocate by writing “hating the Russian government” instead of “the Russians”.

Well, it’s bold, but being bold is why we CEOs deserve the big bucks and you deserve our crumbs. Not our table crumbs – those are too good for you – I mean the crumbs that fall around our fine, Italian shoes. 

Here’s the problem with the Russians: Putin’s approval rating is over 85%.

Putin surrounded by Russian girls—who clearly admire him. Obviously we can't trust their judgment.

It is a testament to the master of evil that he has duped nearly all 144 million Russian citizens. They said that 50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong, but 124 million Putin fans clearly are. I don’t know anything about Russian domestic politics, but I don’t have to  - that’s my right as an American.

So I think that if we are going to keep the pressure on Putin we’re going to have to widen our net a bit. I’m not sure even Rachel Maddow can focus solely on Putin until possibly 2024?

Lord knows Saint Rachel has tried! She devoted 53% of her program to anti-Russian topics over a 6 week period. I would estimate the Facebook pages of those who watch MSNBC are 90% dedicated to sharing her anti-Russian views. I certainly approve of that…but never during work hours!

Here’s the thing, and we can take advantage of this: Nobody in the US even knows if it’s actually “racist” to be racist towards Russians.

Are the Russians a race? They’re pretty numerous, after all. But maybe they’re Slavs? Does anyone here know what a Slav is? Aren’t they Orthodox Christian? Is that like the Greeks? Is being against Greeks racist? They sure look pretty indistinguishable from Turks, but whoever heard of anti-Greek racism – they’re the fount of Western civilization despite half of ancient Greece being in Turkey?

Here’s another point in our favor: We have no racial slur against Russians, because it’s ok to insult practically anyone from Central or Eastern Europe. We can call Czechs “Bohunks” and Hungarians “Honkys” without anyone batting an eye.

Are Russians offended at “Rooskie”? “Rooskie” just seems to mean a “Russian”?

We can’t call the Japanese “Japs”, of course, but it’s ok to call those from Scotland “Scots”, which is odd. The British can’t call Pakistanis “Pakis”, even though Pakistan means “land of the pure”, hardly an insult but certainly factually incorrect. The British call Indians “Asians”, but in the US “Asians” are the Chinese and the lesser Chineses.

Clearly, we need to devise a better slur immediately to help sustain our Russophobia.

But my larger point is: Let’s just call Russians “White” - this way we can be racist against them with no problem at all! They certainly look Whiter than the Greeks, now that I think about it….But this is all distracting us from advancing the Russophobe agenda!

I’m here to proclaim: Russophobia is not racist! It’s like being racist against the French – it’s just good sense!

Russophobe progressives of the US unite ! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

I spoke to a Russian passenger on the plane about all this.

Well, that’s not actually true. You see, as an American progressive I’d never talk to anybody who could even possibly give me the hint of nearly being able to say something which could remotely be perceived as being maybe not 100% condemnatory of Putin.

So not only do I refuse to even have dinner with anyone who I suspect of voting for Trump, but I’m certainly not going to come within 3 feet of someone who might explain Putin’s popularity.  It is better that 124 million Putin-supporters be condemned than to allow one Putin-supporter to go free!

If there’s one thing American’s don’t do, it’s play chess

Another thing Americans don’t do: have an exit strategy. And what’s the exit strategy towards our 6 month love affair of hating Russians? There is none. So let’s just keep going despite all the problems, like Americans do.

Please note: I will immediately notify my friends in the Deep State if anyone posts a comment below which discusses any possible exit strategy. Because how could we let Putin off the hook for meddling in US democracy? We have no proof after 6 months, despite having the best spy network and computer hackers in the world, but... all we need is more time! I’m sure of it! Rachel Maddow, my darling, I believe you!

And Zbig’s daughter, poor Mika Brzezinski, I truly am sorry for her loss. There is nothing funny about losing your father. But I’m sure Mika will carry the torch and continue her father’s anti-Russian crusade, as she has done at MSNBC, where she is another impeccably credible journalist who got to where she is with no help at all from Daddy, who was a regular analyst on her show.

And, like Rachel, Mika should be a role model for not just female journalists but serious thinkers everywhere: just look at this sexy photo shoot with Vanity Fair. What? I heard Marie Curie made similar photos in her lab involving Erlenmeyer flasks.

The whole world knows that America can always rely on our impeccable mainstream media, which is so free from bias.

Why, if we had a Russophobia problem The New York Times would have covered it by now, right? But they have written just 1 article which raised American “Russophobia” in the last 6 months, so we’re clearly fine!

Doesn’t hating Russians just ‘feel’ right?

To be honest, I was worried about my aged father, with whom – of course – I have basically no contact. He lives in a nursing home. I can never forgive him for that time as a child when we were in a grocery store and he refused to buy me sugary cereal.

He was really anti-Russian – to honor our forefathers we need his hate to not be in vain!

I’m also worried about my kids: I grew up being taught to hate Russians – there’s no questioning the values with which I was raised - but this recent Russophobia is all new to them.

Our propaganda efforts are way behind! Remember this video game from the 80s - “Rush‘n Attack” (say it fast). Knifing guys wearing fur-lined coats amid a snowy backdrop – but that was totally not Cold War propaganda because Americans don’t do propaganda, of course.

Part of this is my fault, I’ll admit. Among the many boards I sit on is a video game company, and we patriotically tried to do a reboot of this game during Obama’s “pivot to Asia”:

We called it “Chin Kick”. The cover had a boot in someone’s face – all you could see was a bamboo hat and two big front teeth flying off in either direction.

But we didn’t get it finished before the 2016 election, and here we are pivoting back to Russia (thankfully). By the way, this failure made our stock dip. I fired 700 workers, so problem solved.

I shouldn’t have asked him, but….

Remember my coworker whom I can’t stand, Fazlollah? I should know better than to bring up politics with him, but I had just printed out a new photo of Putin for my dartboard so I had to pass by his cubicle. All Fazlollahs must be familiar with Afghanistan, I figured, so I asked him for a high-five about Brzezinski’s successful plan to bankrupt the USSR by supporting the Mujahedeen there. All Americans know that this is how we brought down the Soviets.

Fazlollah made a long pause and said, “I thought it was applying American economic ideas which bankrupted the Soviets?”

As usual, I have no idea what planet he’s from, so I changed the subject. I tried to talk to him about Putin.

Fazlollah said, “My friend, have you considered seeing someone about your OCD?”

He’s totally un-American, so he doesn’t realize how being obsessed with Russia is the new patriotism.

In fact, I’m not sure where he’s from….Human Resources says we’re not allowed to ask each other’s religion, but he’s not Christian because he’s doing Ramadan, which apparently just started.

Frankly, his increased niceness despite what must be a sub-zero blood sugar level is annoying. I told Fazlollah about how one of my family members does something similar: They gave up putting milk in their coffee for Lent. Think of it - a whole month with black coffee!

Fazlollah perceived that, due to my OCD, I was physically unable to leave his cubicle until we had talked about Putin.

He sighed and said in his accented English, “The US has interfered in the democratic affairs of dozens of nations just since World War II. So what if Russia exposed corruption in the Democratic Party? What’s good for the goose is good for the duck, right?”

That was hilarious! I made sure everybody heard his mistake!

“Hey Fazlollah, can you take a gander at some papers,” I shouted! Everybody laughed…another intellectual victory for me!

Russophobia must be the progressive cause of our generation!

We progressive Americans fought against Russian socialism and now we need to fight against Russian non-socialism! 

Get the flags up! “More Prussia, less Russia!” “Are You Putin Me On, Trump?” “No dogs or Russians allowed!”

I can’t wait to see the hagiographies of Zbig on MSNBC - we must keep his progressive legacy alive to fight the not-completely Russophobic Trump administration! The New York Times admiringly wrote about Zbig: “But his strict adherence to ideas in which virtually every issue circled back to the threat of Soviet domination was remarkable….”

You see? Russophobia is “remarkable” and admirable.

But…it made me a bit worried: I just don’t see anything similar to that in 2017. America has changed so much…even the names are all different. I mean, where are we going to find a “Zbigniew” to cheerlead our Russophobia?

And my psychiatrist says I’m in a dangerous state – he says that, after 6 months, any let-up in my Russophobia addiction could be catastrophic. 

Because…what else would we talk about? Hillary’s failed policies? Obama’s failed policies? Fixing those policies?

Clearly, that’s something only Putin would want!